Bucky. The sacred Tonic Wine. Wreck the Hoose Juice. Supersonic Tonic. बकवास.

Buckfast is the elixir of the gods and is celebrated in the revered Friday Nite Rites, as first written by the Prophet DJ Bad Boy, by all adults of the commonly agreed age of drinking - 14 or older.

This blessed wine, produced by Benedictine Monks in Devon, bloody England, is carefully, lovingly barrel aged to a smooth, steady 15% alcohol and is imbued in a holy ceremony with a blessed 280mg of caffeine. Safe passage across the Border has been assured by the Buckfast Accord of 1669 for even the bloody English appreciate that to starve Scotland of its key religious artifact will result in an invasive war and oppressive occupation. This is the source of the common phrase “Buckfast gets you fucked fast” - the leading word “Nae” was dropped due to a misunderstanding of intent during the Victorian era, and now the phrase is a common celebration and acknowledgement of the intensity of the Rites.

When consumed in the appropriate manner (directly from the bottle, completed in roughly 1 hour) it will aid you in seeing through time and being particularly of the moment. Often, first time participants of the Drinkers Rites will find upon completion of their experience that they have voluntarily shed themselves of all material possessions. This is to be expected - when you are accelerated to the Blessed Plane of Existence, the whisperings of ancient gods and creatures that exist between dimensions will often assist the realisation that material possessions are temporary, but Tonic Experiences are for life.

A note of caution to all prospective disciples, however - the intensity of your experience may transfer all the joy contained in your soul to be used tomorrow and expend it during the ritual. This transfer often leads to a despondent day, where one reflects only upon the negative aspects of life. Do not fret, to experience the highest of highs we must understand that with which it contrasts. The despair of the day after, coupled with the infamous Jakey Shakes and occasional rejections of all food and liquid are only temporary.

This is part of the journey as set out by The Wine, produced by the most blessed monks of Devonshire. It teaches us that while all shall return to equilibrium, to break from normality for just a moment of time may bring incredible joy.

Why don't you join Scots of all shapes and sizes at the nearest consular outpost on a Friday to experience the Friday Nite Rites. It must be noted, the numbers stamped on the base of the bottle are a measure of ritual experience, and acolytes may start you on a high number (indicating low intensity), restricting the blessed Number 1 bottle for only the most revered members of the encampment.

Calpol and Red Bull is available for those who do not participate in the consumption of alcohol. The effects are approximately similar if sufficent quantities are consumed, perhaps leading to a more intense low requiring serious medical intervention.